Seventeen degrees below zero....

My girl... tonight it is seventeen degrees below zero.  It is the same damning temperature as it was three years ago tonight... the last night you were mine.  Hard to believe it was three short years ago I was patting and hugging you.  It was the last time I felt your warm breath, the rise and fall of your chest, and the last time I dug my fingers deep into your soft downey fur. 

It was the last time I got to snuggle your face, play with your ears (which you always tolerated, but would flick in mild annoyance)... fuss over if you were warm, comfortable, pain free... was three years ago today.


I am reminded about our last bitter(sweet) cold night together as I pull on a sweater and hat, give a whistle, and JOY bounds out the front door in a furry package of a little White Sprite.  Bounding and playing, frisking and jumping, I laugh at her antics because I can't help myself.  The tears I held for you froze onto my eyelashes, and my laughter hung in the air in front of me.... suspended... pendulous, for a fleeting moment, almost like I could reach out and touch my guffaws .. and then on the breeze the frosty vapors faded away.  I whistle again, and Lexi bounds back in the door, up the stairs, and into my heart. 

Don't cry because it's over... Smile because it happened ~ Dr. Suess

Life, Lexi, and Love lives on .... even when it's seventeen below zero.  Paradise is Found, Destiny my Dear... Paradise is now, Paradise is here.  Love you always and forever...

Grief, Interrupted...

My sweet girl Destiny.  This week I finally fulfilled my last earthly obligation to you... the financial matters of your medical bills.  It took every resource I had left, and many sleepless nights, but this past Monday I sent via priority mail payment in full.  "Destiny's Credit Card" is finally laid to rest.

And I have wept every day since as if it is the day I lost you.

Most people would be elated to pay off a bill.  It would be such a relief to have the burden and the anxiety finally lifted off their shoulders.  Celebration would be in order.  For me, it's left a new sense of loss that is as fresh as the day I said goodbye.  You see, my friend... I no longer have to take care of you.  You ran free on January 16th, 2009.  I finally got set free this week... and its an odd feeling that I just don't know what to do with.  No more fretting... no more worrying... the treatments we started back in the spring of 2008 are finally ... finally finished. 

In a way, I am grateful that I had the distraction of financial upset right after losing you.   Losing my job four days after saying goodbye to you wasn't easy... but it gave me something to focus on.  All my energy went into staying afloat - I had to press on.  Now that urgency is gone, and my mind seems to want to time travel back and mourn you all over again.  My grief was interrupted...


So, sweet girl, while my earthly obligation is done, rest assured I still haven't forgotten my promise to you of living out our adventures.  Now that all the fretting and worrying has been laid to rest, I want to focus on new projects.  My vision is to pay this experience forward, help other Dog-mas who are in need, who face either saying goodbye to their loyal companions or costly medical bills and are forced to choose.  I don't know what steps I need to take to get there, but I know you will be guiding me on the trail.

Run Free...

Its a Matter of Trust....

I've been thinking about you so much lately. It was exactly 4 years ago today that you and I moved into our new little apartment to start our new life. You would have followed me anywhere... you trusted me.

When you got sick, you also trusted me to take care of you. You knew I could do it. You had no idea the doubts I had in my mind when I agreed to the thousands of dollars worth of care that was to be administered to you. The doubt wasn't ever if you were worth it ... you were worth every penny, and more. I was just so fearful that I was doing the wrong thing, asking too much of you, putting you through too much. You trusted me and I trusted the doctors. We all trusted each other. With that trust, I signed an application for a Care Credit Card, and the people who extended me credit trusted I would pay them back.

After spending three nights at the veterinarian hospital, you trusted me even more. Once you were home, you willingly laid down in front of me and let me inexpertly jab you with needles and patiently waited as sub-q fluids filled your skin. You also trusted I would always sing to you and give you a Frosty Paws ice cream as a treat when you were done. I trusted that you would get better, and you amazed me every day.

For nine more months, you trusted me that I would help you live out your last days in dignity, you would be comfortable, and happy. On your last day you trusted me to carry you into the vets office, lay you down on a bed, and sing you to sleep one last time.

Four days later, I lost my job. I was actually relieved that you were at rest, because at that time, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to support myself, let alone take care of you too. I always believed you somehow knew that, and left knowing I was going to be ok. You reassured me you Found Paradise.... and you trust that one day I will find it too.

The people who trusted me to pay them back the credit that was extended to me for your care still have not been paid in full, and are now taking me to court. You know more than any other soul on earth that I can be trusted to pay them back, and now I need to prove to a Judge that I am a person who does not irresponsibly rack up debt and shirk my responsibilities. I trust you will be there with me in spirit Destiny, giving me strength to plead my case.

If I had to do it all over again, knowing the stress, anxiety, fear and worry I've had to go through with this debt hanging over my head... I would not change a thing... because the last nine months I had you with me, my sweet, sweet girl.... was worth it. Trust me.

Our Adventures live on...

This blog will remain as a memorial for my sweet girl Destiny, and I may update it from time to time... but I hope you friends will join us over at my new blog:

Paradise Found:
http://mycillyparadise.blogspot.com/


Keep up on the day to day awakenings and discoveries of Destiny's human - Cilly, and the spunky antics of Lexi! Fulfilling my promise to my girl, our adventures live on....

365 Days..

365 days from this Earth, my sweet girl. I imagine a time we are together again... frolicking through daisy peppered fields, laying on our backs and watching the clouds drift by... napping in the sun, and flicking butterflies from your ears. Explore Paradise well my girl, I want to see it all, and have you be my guid...e when I arrive. Find the best swimming holes to cool ourselves, the best rivers to fish, the most gentle fields to rest..the best trails to explore ... and in the meantime, our adventures live on in my dreams... my beautiful beautiful Destiny.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas....

or Hanukkah, or Winter Solstice, or Kwanzaa... what ever you celebrate, take the time to appreciate the true spirit and nature of the season.




This is a picture from the last Christmas I celebrated with my Destiny. It was right after a big ice storm. My girl had been very ill for quite sometime- she had been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure in April, and she was living out her last days, being loved and cherished every moment I had her. It was a really stressful time for me. I was up with her every hour on the hour for weeks on end carrying her down my apartment stairs because she was so weak. I was administering sub-q fluids daily. She was on copious amounts of medication. She had stopped eating regular food, and what little nourishment I did get in her, I had to cook for her. I had spent all my extra money on her treatments, and I wasn't able to get my family and friends the presents I wished I could have gotten them. It just didn't feel like Christmas to me. I questioned my decision on even getting a tree, I mean, what was I thinking? Forty dollars on a tree when I can't even afford to get my family Christmas presents? But it was tradition... and I was talked into going. As I recall, my sister lent me the money.

Yet on the day we went to get the family Christmas trees... an annual tradition we have carried on for years and years, Destiny trotted down the icy road with my nephew, she pranced around as we cut down the tree. She even picked out the tree by leading me straight to the ice encrusted tree... it gleamed and sparkled in the sun like diamonds. It was breathtaking.


Oh how I cherish this moment of sweetness I captured through my camera lens... and I often wonder what she was whispering in Santa's ear? What was on her Christmas list? What were her last wishes? Had she accomplished all she had set out to do in her life?

If this was your last Christmas, what would you ask Santa to bring you? Surely the list would include things like more time with loved ones, more romps in the snow, more time to snuggle and watch the glimmering Christmas Tree.... more time to say I love you.

You might wish for more time to complete tasks undone, but I have a feeling most chores would be easily laid to rest, your work here would be complete, and you would be allowed to focus all your heart and soul on what really matters - the ones you love.

I remember decorating that Christmas tree. I remember Destiny watching as we hung each ornament. As we hung the ornaments on the tree, I noticed how beautiful each one was - I told Mike stories of where I got each ornament, or who gave it to me, or what year and significance each one had... it seemed each one had a story of someone I loved. I remember being overwhelmed and grateful to have that wonderful day with Destiny and my family. For that one day I had my girl back. She even ate a big bowl of chicken and rice that night. Hallelujah! I have a feeling I know what she asked Santa for that day.

The Holidays can be a stressful, overwhelming, busy, bustling and crazy time of year.... but take a moment - perhaps right now - to just be still. Watch your babies sleep in their beds. Take in the sights and smells of the season. Hold hands with your sweet heart. Say I love you to the people in your life who need to hear it. Practice a random act of kindness. Give thanks to your Maker for all the blessings in your life.

And imagine what your life would be like if you did that every day.

Have yourself - a merry - little - Christmas.

Joy-Prosperity-Abundance

Packing....

Hello my girl. I miss you today.

I am packing for camp.
Checking off my to-do list, my to-bring list... I have so many things to do... trying to remember it all. But I have to take a moment. To Remember.

You always knew what it meant when the tent, the sleeping bags, and all the other camping items were pulled out of storage. You would pace around excitedly. You would circle around the truck making sure I wouldn't forget you. Silly pup... I would never leave you behind!

We would spend the morning making sure we had everything - the truck would be freighted and full... geez.. we are only going for a few days - do we really need all this stuff? Of course we do. We always do.

Finally - I would look in your brown eyes - you would be shaking in anticipation... and I would say "Load up!" and you would SPRING into the truck - SO excited, so full of energy - so full of anticipation... you could hardly stand it. Its a long ride Des... settle down. You were content to sit with the windows open, the mountain air ruffling your fur, the permeating scent of pine nearly intoxicated us as we glided into the mountains. Remember?

We would finally arrive to the Height of Land. Time to stretch our legs girl - time to say hello to the lake!

You would bound from the truck, run to the edge of the road, and stand on a boulder - and suck in breathfuls of air... so joyfully, so full of anticipation.... and I would follow your lead ... I would take a deep breath... so joyfully, and another - so full of anticipation.... and another - and all the stress of the work week, the packing, the rushing and bustling to get where we were... washed away.

C'mon girl, load up, lets get up to camp.

Remember?

I do.

As soon as we arrived, you would leap from the truck and into the water .. and you paddled around until I got the tent set up, and all our things unpacked.

Bliss.

You would intently watch the squirrels, keeping one eye on me as I started a fire, and one eye on them because they are crafty suns-a-guns who liked to tease and taunt you. I remember the time you fell asleep and one little bugger sneaked right up on you. When you slowly opened your eyes you were nose to nose. I didn't know who was more startled - you or that squirrel. I do remember icing your head because you jumped up so quickly you whacked yourself on the picnic table and I swear I saw tweety birds circle around your head! That... depending on how hard you hit your head... you may not remember.

I remember our long hikes. I remember feeling safe being out in the middle of the woods alone, but I wasnt alone - I was with you.

So, I am packing for camp. The little one doesn't know what that means. She hasn't had the adventures yet, so she sits and watches as I pull out the camping items. I'm sure one day she will know, and she will learn to anticipate... but for now, it will be our secret. I am looking forward to showing her all our old places. Bald Mt, Kennebago River ... Angel Falls. I will tell her about you. I will tell her about all our adventures. I will always remember... and soon she will too.

So... I'm packing for Camp Des.... Load Up! Silly pup... I would never leave you behind!