Saturday, December 12, 2009

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas....

or Hanukkah, or Winter Solstice, or Kwanzaa... what ever you celebrate, take the time to appreciate the true spirit and nature of the season.

This is a picture from the last Christmas I celebrated with my Destiny. It was right after a big ice storm. My girl had been very ill for quite sometime- she had been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure in April, and she was living out her last days, being loved and cherished every moment I had her. It was a really stressful time for me. I was up with her every hour on the hour for weeks on end carrying her down my apartment stairs because she was so weak. I was administering sub-q fluids daily. She was on copious amounts of medication. She had stopped eating regular food, and what little nourishment I did get in her, I had to cook for her. I had spent all my extra money on her treatments, and I wasn't able to get my family and friends the presents I wished I could have gotten them. It just didn't feel like Christmas to me. I questioned my decision on even getting a tree, I mean, what was I thinking? Forty dollars on a tree when I can't even afford to get my family Christmas presents? But it was tradition... and I was talked into going. As I recall, my sister lent me the money.

Yet on the day we went to get the family Christmas trees... an annual tradition we have carried on for years and years, Destiny trotted down the icy road with my nephew, she pranced around as we cut down the tree. She even picked out the tree by leading me straight to the ice encrusted tree... it gleamed and sparkled in the sun like diamonds. It was breathtaking.

Oh how I cherish this moment of sweetness I captured through my camera lens... and I often wonder what she was whispering in Santa's ear? What was on her Christmas list? What were her last wishes? Had she accomplished all she had set out to do in her life?

If this was your last Christmas, what would you ask Santa to bring you? Surely the list would include things like more time with loved ones, more romps in the snow, more time to snuggle and watch the glimmering Christmas Tree.... more time to say I love you.

You might wish for more time to complete tasks undone, but I have a feeling most chores would be easily laid to rest, your work here would be complete, and you would be allowed to focus all your heart and soul on what really matters - the ones you love.

I remember decorating that Christmas tree. I remember Destiny watching as we hung each ornament. As we hung the ornaments on the tree, I noticed how beautiful each one was - I told Mike stories of where I got each ornament, or who gave it to me, or what year and significance each one had... it seemed each one had a story of someone I loved. I remember being overwhelmed and grateful to have that wonderful day with Destiny and my family. For that one day I had my girl back. She even ate a big bowl of chicken and rice that night. Hallelujah! I have a feeling I know what she asked Santa for that day.

The Holidays can be a stressful, overwhelming, busy, bustling and crazy time of year.... but take a moment - perhaps right now - to just be still. Watch your babies sleep in their beds. Take in the sights and smells of the season. Hold hands with your sweet heart. Say I love you to the people in your life who need to hear it. Practice a random act of kindness. Give thanks to your Maker for all the blessings in your life.

And imagine what your life would be like if you did that every day.

Have yourself - a merry - little - Christmas.


Saturday, June 13, 2009


Hello my girl. I miss you today.

I am packing for camp.
Checking off my to-do list, my to-bring list... I have so many things to do... trying to remember it all. But I have to take a moment. To Remember.

You always knew what it meant when the tent, the sleeping bags, and all the other camping items were pulled out of storage. You would pace around excitedly. You would circle around the truck making sure I wouldn't forget you. Silly pup... I would never leave you behind!

We would spend the morning making sure we had everything - the truck would be freighted and full... geez.. we are only going for a few days - do we really need all this stuff? Of course we do. We always do.

Finally - I would look in your brown eyes - you would be shaking in anticipation... and I would say "Load up!" and you would SPRING into the truck - SO excited, so full of energy - so full of anticipation... you could hardly stand it. Its a long ride Des... settle down. You were content to sit with the windows open, the mountain air ruffling your fur, the permeating scent of pine nearly intoxicated us as we glided into the mountains. Remember?

We would finally arrive to the Height of Land. Time to stretch our legs girl - time to say hello to the lake!

You would bound from the truck, run to the edge of the road, and stand on a boulder - and suck in breathfuls of air... so joyfully, so full of anticipation.... and I would follow your lead ... I would take a deep breath... so joyfully, and another - so full of anticipation.... and another - and all the stress of the work week, the packing, the rushing and bustling to get where we were... washed away.

C'mon girl, load up, lets get up to camp.


I do.

As soon as we arrived, you would leap from the truck and into the water .. and you paddled around until I got the tent set up, and all our things unpacked.


You would intently watch the squirrels, keeping one eye on me as I started a fire, and one eye on them because they are crafty suns-a-guns who liked to tease and taunt you. I remember the time you fell asleep and one little bugger sneaked right up on you. When you slowly opened your eyes you were nose to nose. I didn't know who was more startled - you or that squirrel. I do remember icing your head because you jumped up so quickly you whacked yourself on the picnic table and I swear I saw tweety birds circle around your head! That... depending on how hard you hit your head... you may not remember.

I remember our long hikes. I remember feeling safe being out in the middle of the woods alone, but I wasnt alone - I was with you.

So, I am packing for camp. The little one doesn't know what that means. She hasn't had the adventures yet, so she sits and watches as I pull out the camping items. I'm sure one day she will know, and she will learn to anticipate... but for now, it will be our secret. I am looking forward to showing her all our old places. Bald Mt, Kennebago River ... Angel Falls. I will tell her about you. I will tell her about all our adventures. I will always remember... and soon she will too.

So... I'm packing for Camp Des.... Load Up! Silly pup... I would never leave you behind!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A letter from Destiny to Lexi.....

Dear Sweet Lexi....

Every day I watch you, and I smile. You have made yourself to home, and I am so happy you came into my Momma's life. You are just what she needed. Give her a kiss for me, watch over her, keep her safe, and know that you are the luckiest pup in the world.

You have an amazing life ahead, Little One. You will go on so many adventures. Momma will keep you busy, happy and safe - make sure to always return the favor - I know you will.

I visit both of you in your dreams. I watch over both of you every day. You only know of me because of what I left for you... the unchewed toys, the empty bed, the food dishes that Momma will always keep full of food and water - just for you. You know of my stories, Momma whispers to you the tales of our adventures, she strokes your fur as you fall asleep. You live out my Legacy. Sleep soundly Little One... you are in good hands.

I am trusting my soul mate to you... I chose you. I know you have big paws to fill, but I will help you every step of the way. I am your Destiny too..... and with that, little White Dog, I leave you with the name - Lexi, Legacy of Grace.

It is your time... time to run and play, cuddle and love, skip, jump, swim, fetch, chew, romp, dance.... its your turn.... and I delight in watching you.

Little soulful brown-eyed girl - be well, play hard, sleep often, eat with gusto and delight - and love Momma with all your heart... and know that I am watching over you from Paradise.

Love, your sister

Sunday, May 10, 2009


A repost of one of my favorite poems...


All my friends have children now. Their biological clocks ticked them into a foreign world filled with bassinets and learning toys.

A few feel sorry for me, the last remaining nullipara. But those who know me best, and know my girl, know we share similar motherhood joys. Regardless of our breed of babe, we're both obsessed with the quality and quantity of our tyke's bodily wastes. And we delight in little miracles, innocent presents retrieved from beach and woods, random kisses, implicit trust, unquestioning adoration.

We teach, we spoil, we chide, we coax, we praise, we love our babies.
How can you feel sorry for a mom whose child will never fall in with the wrong crowd, do drugs, or drop out of school? Dog moms are doubly blessed. Our boys and girls grow old, but never grow up.

Taken from "Cooking with Dogs" by Karen Dowell

Saturday, April 25, 2009

One year ago....

One year ago
I took a walk with Destiny

The long winter had ended -
the day was gentle and warm
We were with new friends
It was a new start for us

We were starting to break out of winter hibernation
free from the dreary walls
Out into a newly awakening spring
Out into a newly awakening life.

One year ago... I took a walk with Destiny

When we started out I had no idea
where the road would take us
where we would find ourselves
I had no idea ... but she did.

She always knew.

Every step she took was deliberate
with purpose - with passion.
I learned a life lesson that day
Never take one moment for granted

Not ONE.

I was blessed. I took a walk with Destiny.

Today I took a walk with a new girl
I told her about an old soul.
We silently reflected at the waters edge.
I gave thanks

I told my new girl about the lesson I learned
and even though she is but a baby
she understood... but was puzzled
Why do humans have to learn that lesson?

When we already know.

A roll in the dirt
a splash in the water
a romp in the fields
a bask in the warm sun...

How silly I feel... she is so wise.

It took me 35 years to appreciate
to touch, to love, to honor
to awaken.. to open my eyes
she knew long before her tiny eyes opened.

We are not born alive
they teach us to live
if we take the time
to take a walk.

Is there someone you need to walk with today?

Friday, April 3, 2009


As you will read on Lexi's blog, she got a special package from Addie and Lucie and in the package, was a special present to me from Staci...


from the bottom of my heart...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lexi has her own blog...

Hello all you peeps and doggies...

We are going to leave this blog open as a memorial for Destiny... and you can now follow the adventures of Lexi on her own blog...

Please join in the fun over there! She comes home Saturday - so lets all make her feel welcomed!! YAY!

For those of you following on this blog, keep it on your blog roll. I will continue to post here when I need a moment to share and remember my girl Destiny. She will be forever in my heart, and she will always be my first love. Thank you to all my dear friends who read her blog and kept me going... and thank you for all your lovely comments and warm wishes - you helped me through a very tough transition.

Thank you for allowing me this space - and thank you for all the wonderful support....

XOXO - pats and belly rubs....

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I just got this email from Amy - Lexi's foster mom!!!

"WL ...sorry, LEXI IS ON the keyboard right now trying to tell tjat you are approved to adopt her and she is very happy!!!
Lexi is going to come home to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A good home visit...

Today I was visited by Amy (not Lexi's foster mom Amy - another Amy - who lives here in Maine!) to do a home visit to approve my home for Lexi.

From what I could tell - the visit went well. She got to meet Bruce, the chickens, my landlords, Derby and Mike. She got to see where Lexi will sleep -

Where she will eat....
And we showed her the walking path where she will be able to run and play....

so all in all, it was a good visit, and I am hoping for good news soon!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Our friends Addie and Lucie are having a Pawty!!

Addie and Lucie are celebrating their 200th post by donating dog food - here's what Addie had to say..

To celebrate this momentous occasion,
Addie and Lucie are going to donate 1 pound of pet food/treats to the Tarrant Area Food Bank for each unique user comment posted on this blog entry.

Please go over and give pats and belly rubs to Addie and Lucie and tell them what good girls they are!!!

On the Lexi adoption front - I was getting nervous because I never heard back from the home visit lady. They are all volunteers and extremely busy... but it was starting to make me wonder what was going on. I finally got an email yesterday expressing she was sorry - but she wasnt able to conduct the home visit because her son fell ill. I emailed Amy, and she said not to worry, we would get it figured out - she is going to try to get me approved via pictures and videos - so for the next two days, I will be taking LOTs of pictures of my surroundings.

I may need some help from you technologically advanced doggies on how to upload videos!

XOXO - be good little pups out there!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Another sign!

OK. Seriously folks, I can't believe this... this is getting too weird.....

Saturday morning, I told Mike about a dream I had... We were walking through the woods with Derby and Lexi. A wild dog - a pure white wild dog - stepped into our path and scared us - Mike grabbed a stick to protect me and Lexi and Derby from this wild dog... then the dog just stared at us - and Mike lowered his stick... we all just stood and looked at each other for a moment, then the dog turned around and jogged off. It was weird.

After I told him about my dream, we decided to go to the Mill Store in South Portland to get a dog food container for Derby. On the way, I was trying to explain to him why I felt so compelled about Lexi, and that this was the dog for me. My parents had sort of been weird about it, and some of my friends have expressed that it might be too soon. My heart is telling me the Universe wants me to have Lexi, and I cant wait to hold that little girl and call her mine. Finally, exasperated I said "You know what, I cant explain it to other people - so I won't"... and Mike said awkwardly (because he probably didnt know what else to say) "OK".

So we go into this store - its full of unfurnished furniture and wooden artwork and stuff... and on a wall in the corner, I found this sign:

My breath left me for a moment... then I grabbed the sign, ran over to Mike and exclaimed "SEE!!! Destiny WANTS me to have Lexi!!!!" and of course I bought the sign there on the spot.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Applied for Adoption - Lexi !!

I know - I know - I wasn't going to look to get another dog until spring... until I got back from California... blah blah blah... but look at this face!

I talked to Lexi's foster Mom for a looong time on the phone, and the more I learn about Lexi - the more I want to meet her.... no... strike that... the more I want to squeeze her, hug her, kiss her and give her snout kisses and belly rubs!!! (ok... I need to stay grounded here....)

She is a German Shepard / American Eskimo mix (best guess) and she is about 9 mo's to a year old. From what I understand from her foster mom, Amy - she is a very GOOD girl. She fits in well with her pack-mates (Amy's dogs and fosters) and she loves to romp around outside and play in the snow.

The adoption process has only begun - so I can't get my hopes up all the way - they have to call my references, and get the "ok" from my landlords (shouldnt be tough.. lol)

I really LIKE the foster Mom Amy - her and I think alot alike when it comes to our dogs and how they should be treated - I love that. I love thinking that this little Lexi is being well taken care of in a loving home while she is awaiting adoption.

So all you doggies out there - send some woofs and howls of good luck that Lexi might come home to live with me!

Sunday, February 15, 2009


You remember these words - right? They were in a captcha phrase that popped up when posting a link to Destiny's blog on facebook. I was heartbroken for my baby that day - and those two words brought me love and peace from Destiny.

Well, yesterday - right after I posted the Valentines day post for Destiny.... I was wiping some tears, missing my girl, and feeling rather sorry for myself that I didn't have her with me.

But, it was Valentines Day, and Mike and I were getting ready to go to a Hawaiian themed dinner dance. He had two Hawaiian shirts in his closet, and asked me to get them out for us. So I went up the stairs to get ready, and went through the closet searching for the shirts.

I pulled out a dark blue shirt with beautiful lilies and colorful flowers on it - and decided to check the size of the shirt.... and on the tag... was the name of the manufacturer who made the shirt.


Happy Valentines Day to you too Sweetheart... I Love you.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


Its no secret - Destiny was my true love... and I thought I would share with you a few things that were near and dear to her heart....

Destiny loved her cousin Louis ...

She loved ice cream...

She loved swimming

She loved going for rides in Momma's truck

She loved laying on the couch and watching Animal Planet

She loved running with the ocean breeze in her fur

Which is what I imagine she is doing right now... :-)

What or who do you love?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Hi - I'm Bruce... I'm an Australian Shepard

Abby was my bestest friend.... and I'm kinda lost right now without her. We spend our days zooming around the house. Zooom zoooooom zoooooooooooooom!!! She used to think it was funny to take my toys and run away, and make me chase her.... and chase her I would! I would chase her and chase her and chase her...

what was I saying?

I have one brown eye and one blue eye.. and so did Abby... I think that made us soul-mates.

My humans tease me and say I'm a few milk-bones short of a box... but hey, what can a guy do?

Was that a squirrel?


So first Destiny, now Abby.... its getting pretty boring around here. There's got to be something to chase....

The cats? Nah... they are boring...
The chickens? Nah - they just run back in their coop....
The kids? Oh... they are still in school.
I'd chase my tail... but I dont got one....

Wont someone come and run and play with me?

What's that? Play date with Derby? Ohhhh... that sounds FUN! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Abby and Destiny are together again.....

Abby's family helped her to the bridge today... she told them it was time to go, and with graciousness and love, they led her there... and Destiny was there to greet her and show her around.

I remember when Destiny and I first moved into our apartment, and Abby and Bruce welcomed Destiny into their tight knit pack. Destiny was quickly accepted and loved by Abby and Bruce, welcomed into their home, onto their couch, and into their family... all I can imagine is Destiny is now returning the favor to Abby by welcoming her home, and inviting her into the pack with her and Zoe.

It's hard to understand how a pup so young can go this way, and I suppose we will never know. It all seems senseless and unfair, until you realize that Abby's life here did have purpose, she added love and joy to a family, companionship to Bruce, and friendship to Destiny.

Run free little Abber-dabbers. Say hi to my girl.

To all that follow the blog - Lauren wanted to send out a thank you to all your prayers, support and love during this difficult time.

Lauren - I love you, my heart is with you, and be sure to keep an eye out for a sign... I didnt think it was a "real thing" until Destiny sent me a sign that Paradise is Found.


As you may have read, Lauren updated us on Abby's status. Renal Failure strikes again.

Abby's prognoses isnt as promising as when Destiny was first diagnosed. Destiny's renal failure was slow and chronic - we were able to treat her with fluid therapy and medications... and I got Destiny for 9 more precious months. Abby's diagnoses isnt as promising because her kidney failure is too advanced. Fluid therapy would only prolong her suffering.

Abby's family are now with her, making her comfortable, and saying good bye. My heart is aching, I can hardly stand it.

I met Abber-dabbers just over a year ago. She greeted me enthusiastically when I went to look at my apartment. Her favorite thing to do is to race around the house with her buddy Bruce, and play "keep away" with him, teasing him by grabbing a ball, and knowing darn well that she is faster and more agile than him... always winning the game.

She is a cuddly little girl - loved to crawl up on the couch and snuggle. Her passion is chasing the cats... Jake is her favorite to chase because he actually runs. Opus looks at her as if to say "get a life dog"...

She also kept up on her working skills by herding the many chickens my landlords have - it kept her busy because Lauren and I were quick to name the new hatchlings this summer, and we have 3 roosters as a result. Abby made sure they were all rounded up and accounted for.

Her humans are her most prized of all... six kids total, Lauren and Chuck. Her breed of Border Collie made her loyal by genetics... but her amazing heart and love for the family made her loyal by intention.

Having just gotten through Destiny's passing of the same damning disease, its hard to even comprehend why - its easy to get angry at the unfairness of it all, and its heartbreaking and devestating to think we are losing another beautiful baby girl as a result.

Please shower Lauren, Chuck and the six kids with love, snuggles and hugs...


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Prayers needed for Abby

Abby is my landlords little border collie. She is absolutely the sweetest thing on earth. She loves to run and play with her pack-mate Bruce - an Australian shepherd.

Abby has lost weight at an alarming rate, and she is now refusing to eat kibble. Human food - yes, kibble... eh.. not so much. Her DogMa Lauren is taking her to the vet this morning to find out if there is something wrong.... we are praying for the best.

Please send out woofs of good health and wellness to this little girl, and lets hope she will be romping around with her buddy Bruce in no time...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Derby the Dalmation


My name is Derby... my Puppa is Mike, and Cilwy is his girlfurwend... but I beg to differ, I think she is MY girlfurwend... I wuv her wewy much.

I met Destiny back in Apwil when my Puppa and her Momma started dating .... just when she got sick. I waz bummed b'cuz I just met her and I liked having a buddy around to do stuff wif. I am gwad she got better and we got to pway this summer.

I didnt always understand why she couldnt pway or keep up with me, but I wuv'd her just the same. She was very purty... and I wuv'd being her furwend..

Sometimes we would just hang out together

I liked to kiss her

No matter where we went we always had fun!

We went swimming too!

Sometimes we just liked to chill out.....

Cilwy has been wewy sad since Destiny has been gone. I'm not as sad because I know I will see her again someday... so I try to do things to cheer Cilwy up....

I act wike a cwown....

I sweep in her bed when she is sad....

I give her lots of wet kisses...

or I sweep in Destiny's bed to keep it warm....

Although.. I have to admit.. its not the same when Destiny isnt here....

I did want to thank awl the doggies out there who cheered Cilwy up wif their comments and wuv'ins. I give her kisses, butt wiggles and smiles every day to make sure she stays happy.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

My promise to Destiny

When Destiny fell ill back in April... there were a few long and scary days where I wasn't sure if Destiny would pull through. I was heartbroken because we had just gotten out on our own... it was supposed to be me and her against the world - the Adventures of Cilly and Destiny! I had grand plans of taking her camping, hiking, swimming - all the things we loved to do... and then in a moment, all those plans were put on hold.

As she was healing and on the road to recovery, as I was administering fluids to make her stronger and well, I promised her that this summer - if she pulled through - if she had strength - would be the best summer of our lives.

I promised her long afternoons of lazing in the sun. I promised her napping and flicking butterflies off her ears... I promised her swimming, hiking, and seeing beautiful things. And, to the best of my knowledge - she wanted all those things to come true, because she got strong enough and well enough to experience them all. I lived out my promise to her, and took her to all our favorite places last summer.

One place in particular is a 200' waterfall in the mountains of western Maine. Its a gem of a place, not that many people know of it, and its always been a magical place for me and my girl. I was anxious to take her back there, and I was thrilled to show it to Mike and Derby the Dalmatian for the first time.

Destiny was still shaky from just recovering from her first bout of renal failure. I wasn't sure she would be able to handle such a hike.

But my girl, the Queen of Ten-Ass-City.... took to the trail and hiked gallantly along side Derby.

To get to the waterfall, we have to cross a river 5 times... some areas were easy to cross... others were a little scary. At one point, Destiny's reign over Ten-Ass-City was being challenged, and it didn't look hopeful that she would have the nerve to cross over with the rest of us.

I kept her leash tight so she knew I wouldn't let her be swept down the rapids... and I kept saying "C'mon Des! You can do it! I've got you! C'mon Destiny!"..... Mike and Derby got across, and he joined in the cheering section... "C'mon Des! C'mon Girl! You can do it!"

Since it was a holiday weekend, there were alot of people hiking along with us.... and soon, as people hop-scotched across the rocks and made their way to the other side of the river, and they looked back at the timid white dog.. and something about her made them join in... "C'mon girl! C'mon Destiny!"

Before I knew it, a dozen strangers were cheering on my girl... she looked at all of us with hesitation, then she looked at me with determination.... and she leapt into the water and made her way over to us.... with tears in my eyes, I joined in the applause and cheers that the complete strangers had engaged in.... little did they know the battle my girl had fought to be there that day - little did they know who they were cheering for.... they were cheering for the White Wonder... Destiny - the Queen of Ten-Ass-City. She made it across and was greeted with pats on the head -"Atta girls" and I even saw some people doing high-5's...

That moment will live in my heart forever.

Once we crossed that tenuous part of the river, the rest of the hike was a piece of cake, and we approached a 200 foot waterfall....

We stayed there a few hours... long enough to eat lunch - talk with fellow hikers, and gather strength for the trek back.

Appropriately enough.... this location is named
Angel Falls.

I received Destiny's ashes back on Thursday, along with a Tera-cotta mold of her paw print. I promised Destiny as I sat with her last Friday that I will take her back to Angel Falls, and she will forever be the Queen of Ten-Ass-City.... and that moment that she showed to herself, showed me, and showed all those wonderful strangers what she was made of, will live on forever.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A sign from Destiny

I posted a link to Destiny's blog on my friends Facebook page.... and it made me enter a "captcha" phrase....

the phrase was

paradise found

On the coast of somewhere beautiful

Knew I could never hold that girl
She was born to see the world
All I got is a picture she mailed me
Barefoot in the snow white sand
A bag of sea shells in her hand
She finally found a paradise it seems

On the coast of somewhere beautiful
Trade winds blowin through her hair
Sunlight dancin on the water
And I wish I was there
Don't know how I'm goin' to find her
All I know so far
She's on the coast of somewhere beautiful
Runnin' with my heart

Sometimes whne the sun goes down
Shadows fall across this littl
e town
And I close my eyes and I drift away
to another place in another time
When the
world was ours and she was mine
I dream of holdin her again someday

On the coast of somewhere beautiful
Trade winds blowin through her hair
Sunlight dancin on the water
And I wish I was there
Dont know how I'm gonna find her
All I know so far

Shes on a coast somewhere beautiful
Runnin with my heart

Dont know how I'm goin to find her
All i know so far
Shes on the coast of somewhere beautiful
Runnin with my heart
Ohh Shes runnin with my heart
On the coast of somewhere beautiful

Monday, January 19, 2009

Life without Destiny....

First off... I want to thank each and every human and doggie for their love, support, and snuggles. Your words and woofs have gotten me through some pretty hard days.

I'm not sure how long I will keep Dessie's blog going, but I feel the need to post a little bit more.

Thank you for the poetry about the Rainbow Bridge. I remember hearing about it once before, but it helped reading it again... and yes, I am convinced that not only did my girl make it safely, but she is there guiding through the trail of life as she always did.

Destiny and I used to do alot of X-country skiing. Ski-jouring if you will. Well, we pretended we were ski jouring anyway...

Destiny took me down amazing trails, and she never waivered or wandered. She kept amazing pace, and we would fly fly fly down winding trails and across fields... Her favorite thing in the world was to get harnessed up and blaze trail. She had determination. All I would have to say is "trail" to keep her on track... click once to right, twice to left... Psssshttt to stop. Most of the time, we trailed in the silence of the snowy woods.... just the sound of my ski's, birds twirping, and snow melting in the lazy sun of winter. It was harmonious.

Well, Sunday we were supposed to get "some" snow. 3-6 inches according to most reports. We ended up getting 18".... a foot and a half of fluffy fun snow. The kind that is perfect for snow angels, perfect for skiing, perfect for playing. Dessie Lu-Lu wants Momma to play. To this day my little girl doesn't understand the concept that Momma's gotta work. lol.

So, as far as searching for signs... I don't really know if 18" of snow is THE sign... but Destiny was my soul mate. And as her soul mate... I just know she is ok... she knows I am going to be ok... We never had to say much to each other... we just knew.

I stayed with my boyfriend all weekend. In fact, Friday night Mike had to work, and I went up to his room and fell asleep early. Mike arrived home from work at about midnight to find me soundly sleeping after having cried myself to sleep.... with a Dalmatian curled right up beside me. Derby had snuck his way into bed with me, and in his own way decided it was his job to comfort me.... he is trully a good step-dog.

Yesterday we came back to my apartment for the first time since.... and it was hard. This was her home. Its so quiet and empty without her here. But, I cherish each memory I have of her here... her toys, her bed, her pictures... I want them all to remain just as they are. Derby can use them when he visits, and someday - when the Universe sends another soul to be rescued and to rescue me... it will be there for that pup too.

Tonight is my first night on my own without her or Mike. I hope I don't sound like a baby... but I am scared. I've never lived by myself before. And yes, I have my neighbors, and yes, I have my boyfriend and my sister nearby.... but its hard to explain just what I am scared of....

I used to brave the wilderness on my own.. but I wasn't alone... Destiny was never more than 10 feet away from me.

Its hard not talking to anyone. I used to sit and read the Internet and ask for Destiny's thoughts on the news. Or ask her what I should wear on a date. Or ask her what we should do today. What should we do today Des? .... Brown eyes would stare back at me with contemplation...

There is no one to ask silly questions to, sing songs that I make up the words to, or make idle conversation with.

People who don't understand offer for me to borrow their kid, dog, cat... whatever. Some are kidding, some are half kidding.... some are sincere. Like I said... Destiny is my soul mate.... you don't borrow soul mates.

Each time I break down and cry I try to stop myself and remind myself that she is in a better place free of medicines, needles, and pain. But my tears flow selfishly.... because it is my pain that I am in sorrow about. God I miss my girl.

I will get Destiny's ashes back in a couple weeks, and in the spring, I will go to Destiny's favorite places.... and I will memorialize her spirit and her adventures. I will also continue to breathe life into our spirit of adventure. We made a hell of a team her and I....

Thank you everyone again for the outpouring of love I have received here. I am amazed at this blog community ... and I am honored to be part of it.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Destiny Grace, Jan 11th 1996 - Jan 16th 2009

It is with a heavy heart I write this to all of Destiny's new-found friends. I helped my baby girl Des cross the bridge this morning.

Destiny's spirit remained unshaken - she was a fighter to the end... her spirit was willing, her body was spent.

I gathered close friends of Destiny to my home last night and we had a farewell party. My sister, my neighbors, and Mike were there to pat her, to tell her we loved her, and we watched pictures on a slide show to laugh about good times, and tell stories about our adventures together. I am so grateful the people who made her most comfortable in her last year were able to share that moment with her. She deserved to be honored.

After they left, Destiny had a hard night, and finally... finally... she convinced my heart I was doing right by her. I wont go into details about the night and what she had to endure... but I can tell you one thing - she never gave up. I sat with her all night, stroking her beautiful, soft, white fur, telling her I loved her, and that she added so much to my life. She made me a better human.

Morning came, and I never thought I could do it. I never thought I could carry her into the vet office, lay her down on a bed, and sit with her while she drifted away. But I did. I did because I told myself as strong as she has been for me, I had to be just as strong for her.

As I said... I cant do her life justice in one blog entry. 13 years ago, I went to a local animal shelter in hopes of rescuing a dog.... and instead, she rescued me.

She came into my life when I needed a friend... as I had just lost my best human friend the summer before. I was rebuilding my life, I had just bought a home with my then husband to-be, and I was just discovering who I really was... and she helped me discover myself.

We went on countless adventures - probably more than the average dog does in a life time - camping, fishing, hiking, boating, ski-jouring, snow shoeing ... you name it, we did it... we did it together. She added spark and fun to everything we did. She had an amazing way of touching peoples lives... to this day, it is my belief that she has far more friends than I do... in fact, people often remember her name before they remember mine.

She was the only one in the world who stuck by my side no matter what. A little over a year ago, we struck out on our own - I was leaving a marriage that had abruptly ended, and it was the first time I had ever lived on my own. It was a scary and lonely time. Destiny never waivered. Because of her, we got the apartment that we did... it was the only ad in the paper that didnt say "no pets" ... and, the ad said "free eggs"... come to find out, my landlords have 6 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bunch of chickens. It was the perfect new home for us. She got to chase chickens, play with kids and became one of the pack. My landlords quickly became our best friends.

She stayed strong and with me through it all. She was strong when I couldnt be... she added a sense of peace and calm to my new home that only she could bring. She made sure I was happy again, and I was going to be ok... she knew that Mike and Derby would be there for me. She knew it was her time. She just had to convince me of it....

This song came on the radio this afternoon... and it says everything about what I am trying to say about her.... I needed her, she needed me... she was my Destiny.

I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me.

You gave me strength

To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool
'Cause I've finally found someone who really cares

You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me hope
When I was at the end
And turned my lies
Back into truth again
You even called me friend

Repeat Chorus

You needed me
You needed me

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Sweet Zoe....

Hello everyone - its Destiny's DogMa Cilly...

When I started this blog for Destiny, a lovely girl named Staci befriended me. She is the DogMa to an adorable border collie Addie, a baby puppy Lucie, and a sweet red-head - Zoe.

Zoe had heart and renal problems, but like Destiny - she was a little fighter. She loved her family, her doggie sibblings, and she loved life.

Zoe passed this morning in her Momma's arms. My heart is breaking because her story is much like Destiny - she got ill in April 2008, her Momma took wonderful care of her, and she romped and played with her puppy pals... she did the very best she could. She had a sister go before her - K-8, so she had a furry friend waiting for her on the other side.

Please give Staci some cyber hugs. DogMa's need lots of love and understanding. I wish more people understood that this is like losing a child, we need time to mourn, we need people to understand that these arent "just dogs" or "just pets"... they are our babies... their blessings are just compacted into much shorter years.

Rest sweetly little red-headed Zoe...
Cilly and Destiny

Ten Ass City?

Hewoo every doggie....

Mommy keeps saying I have Ten Ass City. I dont know who these Ten Asses are ... or why they have their own City.... but I guess I rule them.

As the Queen of Ten Ass City - I declare today a day where I get to sleep in front of the TV, watch Animal Planet, and have the Food Lady wait on my every beck and call. Let it be done!

Seriously folks, its been a loooong couple of days. I've been eating - sometimes on my own, sometimes not... but I have been eating little things here and there. Momma discovered I like Friskies kitty treats. Hey - anything to get me to eat.

But its hard. I have been very quiet. I sleep alot. I dont really feel like doing anything - and that's not like me... its winter out - I love the snow, but Momma wont let me outside for long because its zero degrees out. *sigh* Back in the old days, that wouldnt have stopped me from making some snow angels and biting at the snow.

Momma is taking tomorrow off from work to be with me... that will be nice. She has been under alot of stress, and has been very sad. She said she will talk to me more tomorrow about what I want to do. All I know, is I am very tired - its hard work being the Queen of Ten Ass City.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers ... but I think Momma needs them more than I do right now.

Eskie Kisses -

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

OH WOW....

Guys... Momma told me to check my bloggie today... she said I would never believe it.

Momma is still wiping tears from her eyes, she just cant believe the outpouring of love and support you have shown us. Momma said I must be a very special doggie to have so many friends.

I'd like to say theres been a dramatic difference since yesterday but....... the best thing that happened was I stayed at my Momma's boyfriends house, and his Mom dotes on me. I call her the Food-Lady. She is always making me and Derby Delicious treats and she takes good care of me while Momma is at work.

She made me two little dishes of chicken and rice, and I ate both dishes. Slowly, and it took some coaxing, but I ate it. Momma cried and cried when she got to see me eat. Silly Momma.

No accidents in the house last night, but Momma noticed when I went to do my business, it was pretty "squirty"... but eh, at least I was able to make it through the night and do my business outside for a change.

Momma gave me more medicine, more fluids, and is getting ready to take me back over to the Food-Lady's house for the day while Momma goes to work. Momma is having a stressful time, so its really nice that the Food-Lady is taking care of me so Momma doesn't have to worry.

So right now, we are just taking it one day at a time. If more humans knew how to live in the moment like us doggies do, it would be a less stressful world - wouldn't it?

I am so grateful for all my new doggie friends. What a wonderful pack of friends! I love you all, and Momma is going to try to visit more of your bloggies when she can.

Eskie Kisses

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Pray for a Miracle

Hi everyone - its Cilly, Destiny's DogMa.

First off, I know I have some family and friends who read Destiny's blog - and while its hard to read "news" on a blog, I dont think I could make it through phoning all of you.... I can barely talk, let alone repeat the news over and over again... so I apologize for the lack of "personal touch".. but hope you all understand.

We got back from Dr. N's office. Mike went with me for support. I'm glad he did, because I really needed someone there to support the difficult decisions that I was making. I am grateful to have a person in my life with the strength to be by my side.

Destiny weighs 29.5#'s... half her normal body weight. That would be like me weighing 75#'s... Its frightening.

Dr N. suggested that we do an X-ray and blood tests. The blood tests I understood - but I didnt understand what the X-ray was for. Dr. N said she was looking to see what was causing Des not to eat, and to have diarrhea. "What do you think it could be?".. cancer, lymphomia, cysts, tumors....

Then what?

Then we will know.

But we cant do anything about it.

I would say her options are limited.

I dont think I want to know if there is nothing we can do for her....


We discussed other options. Some were options I thought I would never have to discuss. Today was not the day to make decisions. It was to discuss what was best for Des.

Destiny got a shot of steriods today, and a prescription for appetitite stimulants. I got more fluids, got more instructions on what to do the next two days... and I got an estimate for euthanization and cremation costs which I promptly shoved in my pocket. Hopefully I wont be needing that... but I still have to know.

With heavy hearts, we walked out of Dr. N's office, knowing that I have about 48 hours to make a decision. Destiny either eats or she doesnt. She rebounds, or she declines... but she cant go on like this...

My girl keeps giving me small glimmers of hope. Like today, as I was about to shove scrambled eggs down her throat, she starting eating them willingly. Actually, she picked them up in her mouth and spit them back on the plate - but it was the most interest she had shown towards food in almost 2 weeks. She accepted a biscuit and tried to chew it, but that ended up on the floor too. She tries SO HARD. Who am I to crush that spirit?

Des and I have gone everywhere together. From the first time I saw her sweet furry face at the kennel, I knew she was my Destiny. Since then, we have hiked mountains, swam in waterfalls, fished in rivers. We have cross country ski'd in the moonlight, basked in the sun, made snow-angels and have had snowball fights where we both ended up with facefuls of snow. We have camped under the stars, kayaked down rivers, and walked in the sand and ate pinick lunches on the beach. She was happiest on the water or the snow. I was happiest when she was happiest.

She would follow me anywhere.

But eventually, her journey will end... and mine will have to go on... without her.

You are my Destiny
You share my reverie
You are my happiness
That's what you are
You have my sweet caress
You share my loneliness
You are my dream come true
That's what you are
Heaven and heaven alone
Can take your love from me
'Cause I'd be a fool
To ever leave you dear
And a fool I'd never be
You are my Destiny
You share my reverie
You're more than life to me
That's what you are
You are my Destiny
You share my reverie
You are my happiness
That's what you are

Monday, January 12, 2009

"Spa" Day....

Momma came home from work early today and she gave me a "spa" day...

More out of necessity than anything else... I had a big messy incident this morning, and as other eskie friends must know, white fur + being sick = big mess.

So, Momma gave me a hot (you know... doggie hot) shower, and then blew dry my fur so I wouldnt catch cold. I have been curled up sleeping since my bath. Momma thinks that the warm water might have made me feel good. All I know is it made me sleepy.

Tomorrow I go see Dr. N. Momma said we will get some answers tomorrow. Silly humans - always asking questions. The only question I have is "where is the remote? - I wanna watch Animal Planet"

I will give you all an update after I get back from Dr. N's.... until then -

Eskie Kisses

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's my 13th Birthday!

Woof... I didnt think I would make it to this day.... and its a hard day at that.

Last night was not a good night for me. Momma woke up about 3am to hear me crashing around the apartment. For some reason, it looked like I was running away from something. I kept running into walls, and running away from Momma. Momma finally caught me, and we sat on the couch. Momma said it felt like my heart was going to thump out of my chest... Momma wonders if I was having a heart attack or something - it really scared her... scared me too!

It was a long two hours after that, Momma held me in her lap, and I actually snuggled on her chest. I guess I never did that much before, because it struck Momma as unusual enough to make her cry.... I fell asleep, and after a while, Momma did too...

Then we just sat together for a couple hours. Momma knows something weird happened, because I keep walking around uneasily, and I have a really hard time laying down. She told me Happy Birthday and wished I felt better.

So, its a good birthday, but a sad one too. Momma said she will take me to see Dr. N. Tuesday. She wishes she was open tomorrow, but she's not.

Momma made me an omelette for breakfast. I didnt want to eat it, Momma kind made me eat it. She felt bad doing that, because she promised she would never force me to eat anything, but she said I have to keep my strength up a little while longer.... so the egg peices went down whether I wanted them too or not. I came by while Momma was sitting on the couch and gave her lovin's and she knows I forgive her for it.

Thanks every doggie for all the birthday wishes and support - it means alot to me.

I am going to go sit on the couch and enjoy the rest of the day.

Eskie kisses

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I wont give up, if you dont give up..

Today is a different day. There is a different energy in the air. The sun is shining, (albeit, its below zero outside)... Derby had a sleep over to keep me company... and.. I am perkier.

I cant say I feel 100%, but I have been alot more active today. I even ate some beef baby food Mike brought over.

After Momma told Dr. N about me - about being tired, not wanting to eat, and having really BAD breath... Dr. N said that I probably have something gastric or intestinal going on... she recommended Momma stop giving me Beneazipril and asprin, and to give me a Pepcid AC.

I dont know what's in that Pepcid that works so good - but I did not get sick last night, and I feel better today.

Momma said we will see how the weekend goes, and we will go see Dr. N on Tuesday.

Momma told me this morning "I wont give up, if you dont give up." and I whispered the same thing back to Momma.


Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm still here....

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers every doggie...

My Momma is having a hard time. She wants me to eat, and I have decided its no longer necessary to eat. Momma has done a really good job taking care of me. She nursed me back to health when I was really sick last April, and because of her, I got to have an awesome summer running and playing and enjoying life.

I dont think I am enjoying life anymore. I'm tired.... and its easier right now to lay on the couch and rest... eating isnt fun anymore. Momma has made me rice and hamburger, chicken, cream of chicken soup, eggs.. you name it ... she has made it for me. I know it makes her sad when I don't eat it... I wish Momma werent sad... I wish I could tell her its ok.

Momma doesnt know what to do. She doesnt want to give up if I wont give up... but she cant tell if I have given up or not... so she keeps trying to get me to eat, she makes me take my medications each day, and she gives me Sub-Q's every morning. I appreciate all she is doing, she makes me comfy while she goes to work... she makes sure I have a full bowl of water, and she even leaves kibble out for me, even though I havent eaten kibble in weeks, and she leaves the TV tuned to animal planet, and makes sure there is a blanket and pillow on the couch.

Momma called Dr. N this morning to see if there is more she should be doing.... and is waiting for a call back. While Momma frets and fusses, I am just going to take a snooze, wait it out, and see what happens.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Dog's Plea


Treat me kindly, my beloved friend, for no heart in all the world is
more greateful for kindness than the loving heart of me.
Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I
should lick your hand between blows, your patience and
understanding will more qucikly teach me the things
you would have me learn.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's
sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging
of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.
Please take me inside when it is cold and wet, for I
am a domesticated animal, no longer accustomed
to bitter elements. I ask no greater glory than the
privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth.
Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for I cannot tell
you when I suffer thirst.

Feed me clean food that I may stay well, to romp
and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side,
and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my
life, should your life be in danger.

And, my friend, when I am very old, and I no longer
enjoy good health, hearing and sight, do not make heroic
efforts to keep me going. I am not having any fun.
Please see that my trusting life is taken gently. I shall leave
this earth knowing with the last breath I draw that my
face was always safest in your hands.

author unkown

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Hanging in There...

Hello Every Doggie -

Thank you everyone for your prayers and concern. I am still hanging in there. Momma is really fretting over me, and its ok... I understand its hard for her - but she keeps telling me its not about her, she wants to make sure I am ok.

Momma has been giving me more Sub-Q fluids the past couple days. She says it will help my kidneys not work so hard to flush all the toxins out. I have eaten some chicken, and Momma makes me take my medicines... but I still feel yucky, and most mornings I get sick and throw up. Momma cleans up after me. I feel bad, but she says its ok. Mostly I just want to watch Animal Planet and nap on the couch.

I've been having a hard time walking around - I fall down alot. Its also hard for me to sit and be comfortable, so I get up alot at night and walk around. I know it wakes Momma up... and she needs her sleep. I try to be quiet... sometimes I dont even bark to wake her up to let her know I need to go out. She said she would rather be woken up than clean up a mess, but she understands I am doing the best I can.

Sunday is my 13th Barkday... Its been a long, hard year... but I have had so much fun this year too... Meeting Derby was definately a hi-light. I pretend he annoys me, but I actually love him alot. He is a good pup. We did alot of things together this summer - camping, walking, hiking, swimming... I even got a starfish stuck to my fur at the beach one day! Ya.. we had a great year, and I hope we get to play in the snow and have fun this winter... so I need to work on getting better.

Momma said we will celebrate my Barkday Sunday with some french toast. I hope I feel like eating it, but Momma said if I dont, its ok... its still my day, and I get to do what ever I want.

Thanks every doggie for all the support and prayers!


Monday, January 5, 2009

Great post about CRF

Hello - Its Destiny's DogMa - Cilly

Destiny hasnt been feeling very good since New Years... she has been lethargic, anorexic, and last night was very restless.

Its hard, because I tell my friends and co-workers about her, and they dont understand why I cant just "make her eat" .. or give her some "favorite treats"... well, its because her renal failure is causing her to have an upset stomach, or she may have ulcers, or she may not trust her food anymore (it might have made her nauseaus or there may have been nasty tasting medicines in it)

Its difficult and frustrating to watch her waste away - I cook her three meals, and she turns her nose up at all of them. I feel like I am failing her in some way. I know deep down I AM doing everything I possibly can for her... but God its hard.

I found a good article on blogger - its old, but has informative information for people wondering what CRF is, and how to prevent it.

The biggest thing is to keep your teethies clean, and avoid toxins like grapes, raisens and antifreeze.

My hunch is Destiny got CRF due to a bout of acute poisoning that happened to her when she was 8... I almost lost her then. She rebounded, but I had no idea what it did to her kidneys. Well, I guess now we know.

All doggies and DogMa's out there, please send out some warm puppy vibes for Miss Destiny tonight. I hope to get out of work soon and go check on her.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Happy New Years Every Doggie!

Momma tried to get me to wear a party hat to celebrate New Years. I'm not that fond of hats... so I am pouting in the picture.... but I hope every doggie had a Happy New Year!!!

I got treats after the picture... so Momma is forgiven for making me wear this silly hat..


Happy New Years Every Doggie!!!