Life without Destiny....

First off... I want to thank each and every human and doggie for their love, support, and snuggles. Your words and woofs have gotten me through some pretty hard days.

I'm not sure how long I will keep Dessie's blog going, but I feel the need to post a little bit more.

Thank you for the poetry about the Rainbow Bridge. I remember hearing about it once before, but it helped reading it again... and yes, I am convinced that not only did my girl make it safely, but she is there guiding through the trail of life as she always did.

Destiny and I used to do alot of X-country skiing. Ski-jouring if you will. Well, we pretended we were ski jouring anyway...

Destiny took me down amazing trails, and she never waivered or wandered. She kept amazing pace, and we would fly fly fly down winding trails and across fields... Her favorite thing in the world was to get harnessed up and blaze trail. She had determination. All I would have to say is "trail" to keep her on track... click once to right, twice to left... Psssshttt to stop. Most of the time, we trailed in the silence of the snowy woods.... just the sound of my ski's, birds twirping, and snow melting in the lazy sun of winter. It was harmonious.

Well, Sunday we were supposed to get "some" snow. 3-6 inches according to most reports. We ended up getting 18".... a foot and a half of fluffy fun snow. The kind that is perfect for snow angels, perfect for skiing, perfect for playing. Dessie Lu-Lu wants Momma to play. To this day my little girl doesn't understand the concept that Momma's gotta work. lol.

So, as far as searching for signs... I don't really know if 18" of snow is THE sign... but Destiny was my soul mate. And as her soul mate... I just know she is ok... she knows I am going to be ok... We never had to say much to each other... we just knew.

I stayed with my boyfriend all weekend. In fact, Friday night Mike had to work, and I went up to his room and fell asleep early. Mike arrived home from work at about midnight to find me soundly sleeping after having cried myself to sleep.... with a Dalmatian curled right up beside me. Derby had snuck his way into bed with me, and in his own way decided it was his job to comfort me.... he is trully a good step-dog.

Yesterday we came back to my apartment for the first time since.... and it was hard. This was her home. Its so quiet and empty without her here. But, I cherish each memory I have of her here... her toys, her bed, her pictures... I want them all to remain just as they are. Derby can use them when he visits, and someday - when the Universe sends another soul to be rescued and to rescue me... it will be there for that pup too.

Tonight is my first night on my own without her or Mike. I hope I don't sound like a baby... but I am scared. I've never lived by myself before. And yes, I have my neighbors, and yes, I have my boyfriend and my sister nearby.... but its hard to explain just what I am scared of....

I used to brave the wilderness on my own.. but I wasn't alone... Destiny was never more than 10 feet away from me.

Its hard not talking to anyone. I used to sit and read the Internet and ask for Destiny's thoughts on the news. Or ask her what I should wear on a date. Or ask her what we should do today. What should we do today Des? .... Brown eyes would stare back at me with contemplation...

There is no one to ask silly questions to, sing songs that I make up the words to, or make idle conversation with.

People who don't understand offer for me to borrow their kid, dog, cat... whatever. Some are kidding, some are half kidding.... some are sincere. Like I said... Destiny is my soul mate.... you don't borrow soul mates.

Each time I break down and cry I try to stop myself and remind myself that she is in a better place free of medicines, needles, and pain. But my tears flow selfishly.... because it is my pain that I am in sorrow about. God I miss my girl.

I will get Destiny's ashes back in a couple weeks, and in the spring, I will go to Destiny's favorite places.... and I will memorialize her spirit and her adventures. I will also continue to breathe life into our spirit of adventure. We made a hell of a team her and I....

Thank you everyone again for the outpouring of love I have received here. I am amazed at this blog community ... and I am honored to be part of it.