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Monday, January 19, 2009

Life without Destiny....

First off... I want to thank each and every human and doggie for their love, support, and snuggles. Your words and woofs have gotten me through some pretty hard days.

I'm not sure how long I will keep Dessie's blog going, but I feel the need to post a little bit more.

Thank you for the poetry about the Rainbow Bridge. I remember hearing about it once before, but it helped reading it again... and yes, I am convinced that not only did my girl make it safely, but she is there guiding through the trail of life as she always did.

Destiny and I used to do alot of X-country skiing. Ski-jouring if you will. Well, we pretended we were ski jouring anyway...

Destiny took me down amazing trails, and she never waivered or wandered. She kept amazing pace, and we would fly fly fly down winding trails and across fields... Her favorite thing in the world was to get harnessed up and blaze trail. She had determination. All I would have to say is "trail" to keep her on track... click once to right, twice to left... Psssshttt to stop. Most of the time, we trailed in the silence of the snowy woods.... just the sound of my ski's, birds twirping, and snow melting in the lazy sun of winter. It was harmonious.

Well, Sunday we were supposed to get "some" snow. 3-6 inches according to most reports. We ended up getting 18".... a foot and a half of fluffy fun snow. The kind that is perfect for snow angels, perfect for skiing, perfect for playing. Dessie Lu-Lu wants Momma to play. To this day my little girl doesn't understand the concept that Momma's gotta work. lol.

So, as far as searching for signs... I don't really know if 18" of snow is THE sign... but Destiny was my soul mate. And as her soul mate... I just know she is ok... she knows I am going to be ok... We never had to say much to each other... we just knew.

I stayed with my boyfriend all weekend. In fact, Friday night Mike had to work, and I went up to his room and fell asleep early. Mike arrived home from work at about midnight to find me soundly sleeping after having cried myself to sleep.... with a Dalmatian curled right up beside me. Derby had snuck his way into bed with me, and in his own way decided it was his job to comfort me.... he is trully a good step-dog.

Yesterday we came back to my apartment for the first time since.... and it was hard. This was her home. Its so quiet and empty without her here. But, I cherish each memory I have of her here... her toys, her bed, her pictures... I want them all to remain just as they are. Derby can use them when he visits, and someday - when the Universe sends another soul to be rescued and to rescue me... it will be there for that pup too.

Tonight is my first night on my own without her or Mike. I hope I don't sound like a baby... but I am scared. I've never lived by myself before. And yes, I have my neighbors, and yes, I have my boyfriend and my sister nearby.... but its hard to explain just what I am scared of....

I used to brave the wilderness on my own.. but I wasn't alone... Destiny was never more than 10 feet away from me.

Its hard not talking to anyone. I used to sit and read the Internet and ask for Destiny's thoughts on the news. Or ask her what I should wear on a date. Or ask her what we should do today. What should we do today Des? .... Brown eyes would stare back at me with contemplation...

There is no one to ask silly questions to, sing songs that I make up the words to, or make idle conversation with.

People who don't understand offer for me to borrow their kid, dog, cat... whatever. Some are kidding, some are half kidding.... some are sincere. Like I said... Destiny is my soul mate.... you don't borrow soul mates.

Each time I break down and cry I try to stop myself and remind myself that she is in a better place free of medicines, needles, and pain. But my tears flow selfishly.... because it is my pain that I am in sorrow about. God I miss my girl.

I will get Destiny's ashes back in a couple weeks, and in the spring, I will go to Destiny's favorite places.... and I will memorialize her spirit and her adventures. I will also continue to breathe life into our spirit of adventure. We made a hell of a team her and I....

Thank you everyone again for the outpouring of love I have received here. I am amazed at this blog community ... and I am honored to be part of it.

13 comments:

Raising Addie said...

Dear Cilly... I don't blame you for feeling scared. I have been the same way. I have found that night time is the worst. I don't know what it is, and I know it will sound crazy, but it hurts more at night.

I wish I could be there to give you a BIG hug!

When the time is right you will find another dog to love.

And you know, Destiny is still with you so don't feel silly asking her a question every now and again.

The tears have started again, so I must go.

Please take care and we will be praying for you for good things to come.

Lots of Luv & Kisses
Staci, Addie and Lucie

Lacy said...

sad woof's Cilly, do i no what u r going through...my angel lacylulu will b gone a yr in march...i will always miss her..not long after Lacy went to the bridge she sent us Rocky..and believe me, he is not a bit like my girl was...i hope time heals ur pain some, but u never forget her...

a sad,
rocky and mama..

Josh and Jess said...

Whatever you do, it would be nice if you didn't delete Dessie's blog so that we can come back here and read about her! She was a special little girl and a fighter to the end. We're just so sorry that we didn't meet her earlier :(

Josh and Jessie

Angel said...

Hey Cilly..
I don't exactly know how you feel as it never happened to me before.
But I know it hurts.
Because just by reading your post, it made me cry as I think about the day when my shih tzu have to go.
I do not want her to go either, but all things live & die.
She's now 1 & has 10+ more years to go.
Although it seems quite a long time, but time goes by quickly.

But always rmb, Destiny is always with you & no one can replace her.

Take care,
Denise & Angel

Khyra The Siberian Husky said...

OR another dog will find you in some way...

Please don't STOP this blog...

Use it fur therapy...we'll use it as well...

My Belgian Princess pal Eva had a sister Tasha - she was khollie/husky - well, her peeps were khrushed when they had to let her khross...and akhtually that is how we bekhame furry good pals...and now that she has her handsome BT brother Brice, it is nice to have all their adventures THERE with Tasha's guidance and memory...

One last thought fur today:

http://www.petloss.com/poems/maingrp/dogsdont.htm

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Maggie and Mitch said...

(((((((Hugs)))))))

Maggie and Mitch

Vicki luvs Chopper ! said...

I understand how you came home and things "arent" the same...We left our dogs stuff out for the longest time as well..matter of fact we still have their collars by their pictures...I swore for the 1st weeks, I could hear the boys "puffing"...not barking puffing...I just knew, and felt them there...and funny I still see them in Chopper...and their memories are always popping up..

Take care...Keep your blog..or at least print it off..You need to keep it...

Love & Hugs
Vicki

Eduardo said...

My Mommy understands why you are scared, she has never been alone, & she fears the day/night that she will not have me or Daddy. Mommy believes that Destiny was your heart dog. It wasn't until last year that Mommy found out about such a thing, we would like to share the link with you so you can read a story about a heart dog named Tess:
http://texassundogs.blogspot.com/2008/09/tess-heart-dog.html
Please don't give up on blogging, let it help as much as it can. Me & Mommy just met you & we are not ready for you to go. Mommy hurts so much at every single loss in blogger but it hurts so much more when they leave. You are in Mommy's prayers & my snuggles.
Hugs & Snugs
Eduardo the Snuggle Puggle

The Bumpass Hounds said...

Ms. Cilly,
We know you feel strange, things are NOT the same. You have a very big hole in your heart right now. It will not heal quickly, but it will heal. Destiny can NEVER be replaced and no one should suggest such a thing. Perhaps someday you'll find another soul mate to help fill the void left by Destiny, but she'' never be replaced. Mom and dad tell us even though there are a dozen of us, we are all different and unique personalities and we can never be replaced. We think it was very thoughtful of you to have a goodbye gathering of those who loved Destiny. She left them all knowing how loved she was. You were both fortunate to have each other for the time you shared together.
- The Bumpass Hounds (and Kitties)

happy said...

LS said she understand the feeling. Hugs to you.

Comet and BLU said...

We are so sorry to learn that Destiny lost her fight and went to the bridge. Our eyes are leaking for you.

Destiny was a wonderful addition to your life and her passing has left a huge hole in your heart. We understand how hard it is without her - how empty the house feels, how all the little things have changed. Hang in there.

We're sending positive thoughts your way.
Comet and BLU (and their girl)

Casper and pals said...

It's okay to cry- You've lost your soul mate. It's a huge huge loss.

Hugs and Eskie kisses from Casper, Buddy, Nikki and foster dog Sunny

Tweedles -- that's me... said...

dear Cilly
You have touched many hearts with the stoty of Destiny. Not only was Destiny brave, but you are also. Brave for telling the story.
You have let your heart bleed, and it has touched many. Not one person can not have leaky eyes as they read this.
A big hole is opened in your heart right now, and you probably feel the swamps of sadness will never end.
But,, in time you will feel like breathing again. Some day.
Destiny has left a legacy for everyone- never to be forgotten. I know your pain. Let the tears fall, say what you feel. Healing takes time - like when an open wound heals.
My heart breaks for you, as I have been in your shoes.
love
tweedles